I am with you...
Always,
Ton Ange

I can feel much of what you are experiencing now about you and J. I can tell that have opened yourself to a point where your relationship has new meaning. You have always loved and respected  him and you love him now for who he is. That's the right thing to do. I admire you for that.

 It is good to see that you are realizing things inside you now that have been dormant for a long time. I don't think you have realized how much you have been withdrawn from fulfilling your dreams. The same is true for me as well. I want nothing more than to be a part of  making your dreams come true and I hope you will honor me by assisting me to fulfill my dreams too.

The time is drawing near. One door closes, another door opens. Let's enjoy the time we spend together and apart. Live the moment as though it were our last. There is a time coming when pain and tears will overshadow all of us and we will have to remain strong. We have to prepare for it. We both want to hide from it, but we can't hide long. I'm not saying this to put you in a place of sadness, but to help you be aware of the importance of us being prepared. I don't think there is anything we can't get through together. Allow me to walk with you. I will protect you. You have my respect and my trust. There is no rush! There is no time. There's only me and you,
Always!

Ton Ange
PS
I can't say with words how I feel in my heart in a way that you will completely understand. But I keep trying!
I love you with a love that is admired by lovers everywhere.
People will see us and say:
I wish someone would love me that much!

SKAO ummm… I don't know if I can wait for that!

I wish there would be some way to have some time alone with you this coming weekend. Doesn't look like there's much chance in that though. But I will enjoy every opportunity I have to gaze into your eyes and feel your warm love radiate out to me, drawing me closer to that secret place where we know our hearts long to be.

It scares me sometimes when we don't see one another for what seems like a long, long time. I fear that it may cause us to be careless. I was afraid to be too close to you last night. I hope you understand. A few times I was afraid to look you in the eyes. I just knew if I did, I'd scream "I LOVE YOU"! and everyone there would turn to applaud me for my boldness.

Regarding the specialness in you, I have not been able to put it into words. Even when I go back there and feel the attraction, I can't put it into words. It's more like a spiritual revelation. I can feel it, but I don't know how to describe it. Maybe the best is to say… I just knew I had to contact you and create some type of relationship. So I approached you about Tai Chi! And what did you say? You have been looking to take Tai Chi! Hummm….

BTW, There's no need for a comparison in your love. I KNOW what I get from you. There's no question in my mind, or my heart, where your heart is; and where the heart is, the soul resides. There's no way you could love anyone now with the same passion and intensity as you have for me. We have what every couple dreams of having… well, almost! ? Don't ever question that I know you want me to be only yours, forever.
The momentum established at the beginning of your third major life-cycle is slowing down. It's been slowing down for a couple years now. You have grown much over the past ten years. I wish I could have known you when you first came to the US.
Remember this: Momentum can be almost unstopable, if there's enough speed and mass behind it. And, tridition is the most difficult habit to break. One sure way of stopping momentum is to apply friction and stop applying fuel. It's obvious to me that you are doing both, maybe without realizing it. I wish there could be a way for me to help you more, but I'm doing everything I can by being here for you at all times.

Everytime I see a new movie now, it seems to speak loudly to me about our relationship and I feel more and more that we are doing the right thing; however, I wonder if we are missing something important. It seems that the same message keeps  trying desperatly to get through. Do you know what it is? I'm not sure what it is that we should be doing, but I'm prety sure there's something we're not doing!
This keeps coming to me, but I've not wanted to share it with you because I've wanted to remain as nutural as posible. I know you have been getting similar messages too. I'm so afraid that if we don't act properly, (and I have no idea what "properly" is) we will be forced to act and that it will be much more painful for all. I keep feeling like a bomb is about to drop! Enough of that!  I'm just spilling out my thoughts all over this page.

Have I told you today how happy I am to have you in my life? You complete me too!
I love you with all my heart!

Always,
Ton Ange
 

May 26 1999

Hi my love of my life!
It's just now almost 8:00pm and I'm sitting in my office. I went this afternoon to get my new magnetic bracelet sized at a jeweler, then stopped to get something to eat. I thought I'd stop by here to have a little private time to think about you and send you a note. I still have the headache. I don't think it has anything to do with you; although I do feel as though I'm under some kind of pressure. One would think that now that my EX and I have settled our affairs, I'd be feeling better and more relaxed. It will pass soon.
If you remember when I came back from the beach I felt that we may have to slow down a little. I must say though, I'm glad we didn't. I'm not at all fearful that our being alone together is what needs to change. It's our wholehearted love for one another that I fear will come to the attention of others and bring out into the open how we feel about each other. How do we change that? I don't think I can. I feel that we will have to do our level best to appear less enthusiastic toward one another when we are around others.
I will do my best to spend less time around you and J, so that he won't feel as threatened by our friendship. I can tell that he's getting suspicious and I don't want him to get to the point where he puts his foot down and asks you to stop spending so much time around me. I think it will be best if I can find someone to accompany me when we have outings or get-togethers. It will take some of the attention away from you, but I hope you will understand that I do it for us. It won't be easy for me to do. I have NO idea who would do that for me. I know it will make him feel more comfortable if he thinks I am pursuing a relationship somewhere.
My heart aches as I think of the possibility of loosing any part of you or what we have. It feels so wonderful to be admired and loved for who I am. You make me feel so special. Just knowing that you want to be with me is enough to make my head spin. It's been almost six months now since we began to explore the possibilities of something more than just friendship. It's been the most memorable of my life. I sometimes completely loose myself in thoughts of us being together.
It's so hard for me to keep my hands off you. I want to touch your hand, run my fingers through your lovely hair. HAIR… WOW! You know where my mind just went! * deep breath *
I want to see if we can go over to the house after Golf Saturday and let you pick out some herbs and maybe take a look at the lots for a future home site. That sounds so strange to be saying that, but it also sounds exciting to me too. We'll see how things go. I know we will have enough time, but I'm not sure if it will be okay with J. Actually, Friday after getting the dresses may be a better time. I know no one will be home then.
I'll leave it up to you whether we spend any time together after class tomorrow night. As I've said, it's not what we do when we are together that worries me. Either way, I think we need to be leaving no later than 10:00.

I hope you don't mind that I express what I know we can't do at this time. Forgive me if I offend you, but…
When I close my eyes I keep getting this image of us lying in a passionate embrace. You're breathing so deeply I can feel the heat from your breath against my neck. My fingers slowly trace your panty line against your inner thigh. Your arms are wrapped tightly around me, pulling me closer and closer against your bare breasts. I feel your hardened nipples penetrating my flesh and it takes my breath away to know how much our love has grown. My tongue circles your ear lobe as chills cover your body like thousands of tiny pins resting on the surface of your inflamed skin. Your soft moans reassure me that you are open to my love and I move to kiss you lower on the soft, sensitive spot on the front of your throat. I love to kiss you there because you get so much pleasure from it. Your hands grip my scalp as your delicate fingers slide through my hair, guiding my kisses toward your heart. I feel the silky nakedness of your breast against my cheek and I become more aroused than ever. My lips instinctively find your left nipple. Your thighs open a little as you let out an erotic sigh of pleasure.
As my hand inches it's way under the waistband of your panties I feel the thick hair of your pubic mound against the tips of my fingers and my heart pounds with the anticipation of their warm, wet, destination. With your nipple trapped between my tongue and teeth, I feel like a kitten at it's mother's breast. What a comfort it is to know you are totally mine at that moment. Without warning your pelvis thrusts against my hand and my palm cups your wetness. The heat is incredible; the passion so intense I can hardly contain myself from ripping your panties off and taking you, but I don't because I want more of you. I want to kiss you all over, to make love to every inch of you, to take you to that place where you have only been in your dreams. It's real! It's waiting for us. We will go there and return often. Forever and…

The rest of my Fantasy
Always,
Ton Ange.

I wish so much for you to be happy at home while you are with J. It hurts me to know that you want to be yourself AND be happy too, yet you aren't free from stress and fear. I'm glad to hear that you are letting go of much of the fear of saying what you need to say to J. To remain positive will not be easy, but I know you can do it. You have the proper intent and an inspiring motive to do so. Continue being yourself and everything you want in life will come to you.

Don't be afraid to live the life that you deserve. You chose the path you are on now for a reason, much like choosing a school of higher learning. But remember, you are free to choose a different one if the school has provided you with all you need there, or if it is not providing what feel you need for your future. I really think that the partnership you have now has been much more for what J could learn from you than what you were to gain from the relationship. Not that you haven't learned much, you have! But I don't know if you have considered the possibility that his life has been expanded much more from what you have brought to the relationship. It may not be that you have taken different paths now, but that the journey is coming to an end.

I look at all that he has been exposed to and how the doors of opportunity have been opened time and time again for him to choose and learn. What I'm seeing now is that he seems to have chosen not to go any farther down the path where you want to go. What you said to me today about not bringing up topics about energy to him, about him, brought this to my attention. I've been focusing all my energy, to help stabilize your marriage, on you and the changes you have been making, but I really feel now that the changes in your relationship are influenced more by his decisions than yours. Like you have said, there's really nothing more you can do at this point but to be yourself. I think he IS being himself too. He's tried to make changes that would be more in line with your beliefs, but it's just not him and I feel that he is deciding that he needs to go back to where he feels more comfortable. He knows you won't follow him where he feels drawn to go and he fears he can't go with you where he's seen you are going. The past two years of your focus on energy and self improvement has brought to his attention how much your philosophy of life means to you. I think he feels as though it's more important to you than he is. He's feeling neglected. This seems to me to be the source of his tension. One part of him wants you to go and grow, but another part wants you to stay and be devoted to him. That's why he wants you to go to class, but then complains sometimes when you do.
It's the same scenario that G and I went through. Remember how it all came to a head when she felt that my "energy" friends were more important to me that she was?

I know I'm saying too much and I'm giving advice when you haven't asked for it, but I feel compelled to present you with a different view point as to why there is tension between you two. It's not your fault. It's not his fault. I think for him to be honest and open to you about how he feels would be to tell you that he just can not continue to be less than the most important thing in your life. He wants to say it, but he can't say it; not yet. But I fear that when he does, it's going to be the supreme test of your heart. Today you back off from A. and me for a short time as a token of your devotion to him. What will the future bring when the sword comes down to sever the ties between us? You feel it coming as well as I do. We can continue walking on eggshells to try to lessen the tension, but I believe the tension and fear will continue to build in him until he explodes. I can see this in the future and I also see that you will be fine too. You will remain calm and respond with your heart. There will be no fear in you and a great weight will be lifted from you.

I have faith in you. I know you will not allow yourself to be injured or destroyed. I won't allow it either! You are feeling so strong now. There is new strength emerging from deep within you telling you to fear not, for love conquers all. Our love will sustain us through this and more. You are never alone and will always have me to lean on when you feel tired or weary. You were brought to me and I accepted you. You are mine and I am yours, forever and ever and…

Always!
Ton Ange

I wish I could write more…. There's so much more I want to say to you, but it's 9:30 now and I'm at my computer at work. I need to get home, if you can call it that. I've added my erotic fantasy to the next email. I hope you will have the time to read it slowly and enjoy every feeling I have for you.

It's getting more difficult each day to be away from you. I want to rush into your arms each time we meet and never let go. You are in my thoughts all day, everyday. I see your face in everything I do. Sunday night I went outside and sat on the grass and gazed at the full moon, wishing you were there with me so we could enjoy the wonder of it all together. I feel so impatient sometimes that I get angry that it will be so long before we can respond to the desires we feel inside. It feels like God is playing a cruel joke on us; bringing us together, knowing we would fall in love.

I will survive this test! We will live our lives full of joy and happiness together. That much is very clear to me. I am yours alone! I hope I will be able to contain my joy when you come to me with open arms to tell me that you are now mine forever. There's so much I want us to do. I want you as my partner in life, sharing everything. Help me, my love. Help me to be the kind of man you will always respect and admire. Give to me your tender heart. I will care for it as though it were my own. I need you more and more every day.

I fully understand that you give to me now everything you can and more. I can feel your aching heart. You're beginning to feel like a caged animal. Have patients my love. Your freedom is not far away. Love endures all things.

I just got a phone call from the love of my life! She excites me so much I can hardly contain myself from shouting to the world how much I love her.

I can't wait until I can introduce you to my family and friends; not as my doctor and/or friend, but as the woman who holds my heart in the palm of her hands. I anguish to tell people that I love you. Do you have any idea how happy that would make me? But I don't think I would have to say much to most people. All they will have to do is see us together, holding hands and they will know from the smiles on our faces!

Take care of yourself, mon ange. Tomorrow I will fly to you and take care of you during my visit to see you. I will bring you something to help. Cuddle next to me tonight when you sleep. Place your left hand over my heart and allow me to comfort and care for you. Imagine the aroma of my body next to yours as you softly kiss the back of my neck. Feel the warmth of my skin against yours. Listen to the rhythm of my heart and know that I am with you.

Until our next embrace, I love you,

Always!

Ton Ange